FAQ #2: Do You Know Anything About Her Real Parents?

This is number two in a series I'm doing about the questions we get asked the most as an adoptive family, why they probably aren't the best questions for you to ask, and what you can ask instead (you can read Question 1 here). Please know, if you have asked me one of these questions, I'm not harboring some secret grudge- I know that in 99.9% of cases when someone asks us these questions, there is zero ill will. People are just excited and want to know more, which is a good thing! However, I think about all these questions in terms of how Vennela hears them, so in an effort to make a more positive world for her, wanted to offer some friendly education.

Once again, I have two issues with this question: what you're asking, and how you're asking it.

Vennela's story is just that- hers. There are parts of her story that are obvious by looking at our family (ie. that she's probably adopted). We also share about some parts of her story because we are proud of them, and generally there is nothing sensitive about them (ie. she's from India). Beyond that, we are walking a fine line with what is appropriate for us to share, and what should be hers to share when and with whom she chooses. While I am passionate about adoption, and want to share the knowledge I have about the need for adoptive families, ethical adoptions, being a trauma-informed parent, etc. I don't want Vennela to look back on what I share as she grows up and feel that I crossed a line. Before I share something I always try to imagine what she will think as an adult.

When you ask about an adoptee's biological family, you are essentially asking about their biggest wound. If a child is in need of adoption, that means something bad has happened- sickness, death, poverty, mental illness, addiction, neglect, abuse, or simply not wanting to be a parent, there's a reason a child is not with their biological family, and whatever that reason is, it's something sad. I understand, it's natural to be curious why a child needed adoption and what is known about their first family, especially when friends or family have adopted and you care about that child, but it's just not our place to share that with you. The problem is, when people ask, saying "It's not our place" feels like I'm saying "That's none of your business," so I feel really awkward and if you've asked me this, you've probably gotten some fumbled version of this: "Yes, we know some things, we don't know much, we have some ways to find out other things maybe..." and then I trail off. My new answer is: "We feel that's Vennela's story to share." I'm not offended that people ask, hopefully they won't be offended that I answer that way.

Now, as for the phrase "real parents,"...

Vennela has two sets of real parents; her biological parents, and us. Neither of us are imaginary, therefore both of us are real. The realness of one does not negate the realness of the other. It will always be "both/and," not "either/or," in our family. If you are talking about her first family, you can say use the terms birth family, or biological family.

So, if you feel the urge to ask an adoptive family this question, instead consider asking "Tell me about your son/daughter, what would you like to share?" Then they can share all the great things about their child, their child's culture, and whatever of the story is appropriate to share.