FAQ #1: Are You Going to Have Kids of Your Own?


As a family, you can guess with pretty good certainty just by looking at us that we adopted Vennela, so naturally, we attract attention sometimes, and with that attention comes questions. We also get questions a lot from friends and family, because while adoption isn't rare these days, it's not that common either, and people are curious.

However, sometimes questions are problematic, particularly when little ears are listening. So I'm doing a series about the questions we get asked the most, why they probably aren't the best questions for you to ask, and what you can ask instead. Please know, if you have asked me one of these questions, I'm not harboring some secret grudge- I know that in 99.9% of cases when someone asks us these questions, there is zero ill will. People are just excited and want to know more, which is a good thing! However, I think about all these questions in terms of how Vennela hears them, so in an effort to make a more positive world for her, wanted to offer some friendly education.



Frequently Asked Question #1: Are you going to have kids of your own?

My problem with this is two-fold; one, what you're asking, and two (more importantly), how you're asking it.

Generally, when people ask this, they are secretly wondering if we are infertile. I get it, it's the reason many people decide to adopt, so you want to know if that was our reason. However, if you are close enough to someone that you have the sort of relationship where you should know how their reproductive system is working, they are probably going to volunteer that information to you. If you have to go asking about it, it's probably not any of your business.

Having said that, I'm just going to put it out here: as far as we know, we are not infertile. We didn't try to have a biological child because we knew we wanted to adopt. It was plan A, from the beginning. It's easy for me to share that, but for people who did come to adoption after a period of infertility, there was probably a fair amount of pain and grief in that process, so give them a break by not asking them to rehash it for you. If they want you to know, they will tell you.

The second issue and for me, the bigger one, is the choice of words. When you say kids "of your own," yes, of course I know what you mean: biological children. However, Vennela is four. She doesn't know what you mean, nor would other kids who overhear and repeat what you say later. When she hears that, what will she think? If she's not "our own," then, whose is she?

And if I'm honest, even aside from what Vennela thinks, I take issue with the words too. Vennela is 100% our own. She is my daughter, and I don't consider her any less mine than if I gave birth to her (and in saying that, I don't mean to say she is not her biological family's own child either, she has two families and we will always celebrate that and honor them). We are the very luckiest parents to call her ours, and we will always make sure she knows she is our own.

If you want to ask a question like this, a better one to ask is "Do you have any other children?" or "Do you think you'll have more children?" If people want to share more, they will. 

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