Elevating the Voices of Adoptees

In the adoption triad (birth parents, adoptees, and adoptive parents), typically the voice with the least amount of power is that of the adoptee. In most cases, the adoptee has no say in who adopts them, or whether they want to be adopted at all. Most states and countries have privacy laws that protect the right of birth parents (meaning adoptees can't be told the identity of their birth parents, or birth parents can request they aren't told), and few have laws upholding the rights of adoptees to have this information on where they come from. Certainly, throughout the history of adoption the voices of adoptive parents have been the loudest.

So in light of this, I want to kick off National Adoption Month lifting up the voices of some adult adoptees who are brave enough to share publicly how they feel about adoption. Amongst adoptees I've met or whose stories I've read, some love that they are adopted, and some hate it and wish it had never happened. Most seem to fall in the middle, happy for the joys that adoption brought them (a permanent family, opportunities, etc.) and grieving the losses, both those that caused the need for adoption (loss of birth family) and those caused by adoption itself (often loss of birth culture, loss of history, etc.).

Some adult adoptees share very harsh views of adoption, and as an adoptive parent it can be painful to read. I encourage you to sit in that pain, instead of immediately going on the defensive or dismissing it. Not every adoptee who has resentful feelings towards their adoption had an adoptive family who was abusive or bad in some way either. Adult adoptees are very brave and vulnerable in sharing their stories, and it is an invaluable tool for adoptive parents if we can listen to them and learn from them. Before adopting V we came to terms with the fact that as she grows up, she may feel adoption was the wrong choice for her. While that would make me deeply sad, she has the right to feel that way, and I will do my best to respect those feelings. We feel that out of the imperfect options left for her future at three years old, international adoption was the best of those broken choices. All we can do is do our best to parent her, and hope that as she grows up, she will agree.

Here are some of my favorite places to hear adult adoptee perspectives; some are light-hearted, some are heart-breaking, but all have important lessons if we're willing to be open and listen:

Blogs
Diary of a Not-So-Angry Asian Adoptee: Christina was adopted from Korea at two years old by a white family, and lived in a very white, small town in Minnesota. She now works in the child welfare system. She shares her thoughts on adoption and race in the hopes of helping to educate adoptive parents.

Only Black Girl: Rebekah is a black woman adopted domestically as an infant by a white family. She grew up in a very white town in Washington (sensing a theme here?) Her blog is a great resource for any adoptive parent (or human, really, as she writes about race not just as it relates to adoption), but particularly for non-black parents of black children, as she discusses topics like how to talk about the N-word with your child.

We The Lees: This blog is run by a husband and wife who both happen to be Korean adoptees (and both named Lee, though it's neither's last name). I love it because it shows how the adoption experience can be so different for every adoptee, and their feelings and thoughts can vary. The wife, Whitney, has found and connected with her birth family in Korea, and writes very openly about the ups and downs of that.

Dear Adoption: This site takes submissions only from adoptees, and their mission is to elevate the voice of adoptees and educate the public about adoption. Their stance on adoption is neutral, they don't aim to promote or dissuade from adoption.

Film
Closure: This is a documentary made by Bryan and Angela Tucker; Angela is black and was adopted domestically at one year old by a white family. The documentary covers her search and eventual reunion with her birth family, and all the emotions that come with that. It's currently streaming for free on Amazon prime!

Side by Side: This film is actually 100 short films, each an interview with someone adopted internationally from Korea, or who aged out of an orphanage in Korea without being adopted. It's great because you see such a wide range of experiences and feelings.

Books
All You Can Ever Know by Nicole Chung: I just started this book today, but I heard Nicole speak about it, and I can tell already it's going to be good. Nicole was born to Korean parents in America, and placed for adoption as an infant with a white family in rural Oregon. The book talks about her struggles with identity, race, and her search for her birth family.

I'll add more books as I read them. I hope these resources are as educational for you as they have been for me!