Why Won't You Sleep?! Adoption and Sleep Part 2: Staying Asleep

Sleep issues are so common in children who are adopted, in foster care, or have experienced trauma, and they can be really tough to work through! I'm sharing what has worked well for us, though every child is different so what helped our daughter might not help your child. Part 1 discussed the challenges with falling asleep, the next hurdle was getting her to sleep through the night, something we're still working on, but have made big progress!

Staying Asleep

At first, under the advice of our pediatrician, we tried having Vennela in her own bed, and us in our own bed, and when she woke up we'd walk her back to her bed to put her to sleep. However, we had to stay with her until she fell back asleep (or she'd meltdown) and that took 30-45 minutes. This happened 1-3 times a night. So, needless to say, no one was very well rested. Ultimately, we asked ourselves what our goals were: was it for Vennela to sleep in her own bed, no matter what, or for Vennela to feel safe and all of us to get a good night's sleep? When we put it that way, the choice was obvious, and so with that in mind we bought an air mattress, set it up in her room, and took turns sleeping on it. We didn't go to bed at the same time she did, but we were there when she woke up throughout the night so she could either see us or call out for us, quickly know we were there, and go back to sleep. Everyone was better rested. 

Vennela in her nest next to our bed

Of course, we eventually wanted to return to our own bed, so after a few months of the air mattress we began discussing making a place for Vennela to sleep on the floor in our room, so that we could sleep in our bed and when she woke up, she could just come and sleep there. We were debating if it was time try it- then the air mattress popped, so we said "I guess that time is now!" It was a convenient reason to give Vennela too, we showed her the air mattress was broken and showed her the nest in our room she could come to, and sure enough she showed up that first night, and every night since, for over a year. 

Until two weeks ago! 

We assumed eventually she would stop coming to our room, and I do think that's true, she wouldn't go to college still sleeping on our floor, but at the same time, it seemed to us that it was no longer a matter of fear and anxiety, and more just habit. Many kids who are adopted really like routine, and do not want to vary that routine, and our daughter is the same way. She had no reason to change the routine, it was working great for her. While it was mostly fine for us, she did often demand that I hold her hand when she came into our room, which I could only do by awkward lying on the edge of my bed, which was not very comfortable, so we had some incentive to get her to try and stay in her room. 

We went to the Refresh Conference, and learned so much, including in a seminar on anxious kids by Deborah Gray, an expert in adoption. She said to make their anxiety inconvenient for them. She also endorsed bribing kids, and if Deborah Gray said it's ok, that's enough for me! So we told our daughter that if she slept the whole night in her own bed, in the morning, she could have one MnM. That might seem like a really small bribe, but that's exactly what we wanted. If it was something bigger and really enticing, then it would cause a meltdown on the times that she didn't sleep through the night and didn't get it. We also didn't want it to be such a big reward that she wouldn't come to us if she was truly scared or needed us. However, it was just enough to get Vennela thinking about sleeping in her own bed. She needed something motivating her to try it, but the reward was so small that if she didn't get it, it was more annoying, not devastating to her. And it worked! The first night we told her we had to talk about it a long time, because the idea of this change in her routine immediately made her feel anxious, so we had to answer many questions and reassure her many times that if she still came to our room to sleep in her "little bed," that it was "no biggie." She didn't sleep in her bed that first night, and we very intentionally didn't bring it up, we let her drive the conversation. She mentioned that she didn't get the MnM but it was "no biggie," and we agreed with her. The next day she asked about the MnM, and we told her the offer is good every night- the wheels were clearly turning, but she didn't sleep through the night that night. The next day she announced she was going to stay in her bed all night and get the MnM, and we told her that was great. And she did it! In the past two and a half weeks she has slept in her bed about ten nights total, with three nights in a row being the longest stretch. 

While it has taken a long time, I think if we had tried this much earlier Vennela might not have been ready. Her need to have someone with her at night was truly fear based, and no amount of logic or bribery is going to override fear. You know your child, and if you think they are ready give it a try!

Lastly, a note on essential oils. I have seen a lot of parents, especially many adoptive parents, who swear by essential oils for their kids, including for sleep. I definitely don't think they are a magic cure all, but I do think they can be used for certain things effectively, including helping kids wind down. Also, we were desperate for Vennela to sleep better and willing to try anything. So we got lavender and cedarwood essential oil, and diffuse them in her room at bedtime each night and rub some on her back, feet and wrists. I was hoping for it to help her fall asleep faster, and it didn't seem to do much, other than help her wind down as a part of a routine for bedtime. Since it didn't seem to be keeping her in her bed either, I began going in her room when we went to bed and turning off the diffuser, since essential oils are not cheap and that would help stretch them out over a few nights. However, that third night we offered an MnM and she slept through the night? I forgot and left the diffuser on all night. The next two nights I turned it off as usual, and she came in our room during the night. The next night I accidentally left it on again- and she slept through the night. I've tried it on and off since then, and she is definitely more likely to sleep through the night if it stays on. Coincidence? The white noise of the diffuser? Or really the oils? I don't know, but whatever it is, I'm wiling to keep doing it. It's worth a try if you're looking for something to help your child wind down.