Winning Over My Daughter
Having worked in adoption for six years, I knew a lot of the common challenges, and the not so common ones too. Pretty much any challenge you can face with a child coming from a background of institutionalization and trauma, I've had a family I work with go through it. So I knew a really common reaction amongst adopted children was to cling to one parent, and reject the other, and they often rejected the mom. There can be a few reasons for this; caregivers in orphanages are usually women so men are new and novel, and bonding to a woman can feel like a betrayal of their former caregivers who they may be attached to. Additionally, they may have had many female caregivers come and go, so they may expect another woman to do the same.
1. Be sad- I somehow had this idea that because I knew it was normal that I shouldn't be sad about it. That is just silly. Of course it's sad! Rejection never feels good, and after spending months or years building up to the time of getting this new little person, all the effort and running around to get paperwork done and pay fees and potentially travel across the ocean, to get to that point and have your child literally shove you away is crushing. Don't beat yourself up for feeling sad, that will only make you feel worse. Acknowledge that this feels awful, and then pull up your big girl pants and work on it.
2. Get some perspective- Rejecting a parent is so common amongst adopted kids, but there's still so much shame and guilt and embarrassment. In no time at all I could hear the little voice whispering "She can already tell you're a bad mom, that's why she doesn't want you." Repeat to yourself over and over and over, every day: this is not about you. This little person doesn't know what kind of person or parent you are, they just met you. It has nothing to do with how you are as a parent, and everything to do with their trauma and history. Write down all the broken connections your child has had- birth family, orphanage caregivers, foster parents, however many times they moved. From what we know Vennela moved six times before she came to us, and while in each of those places, caregivers may have left their job and new ones came- the number of transitions is staggering. Reread that list to remind yourself again: this is not about you.
3. Get some support- Before you travel, designate a few people who are adoption and trauma knowledgeable that you know you can share any sort of challenge with, including this. It was so painful that there were very few people I wanted to talk about it with, but I was so very thankful to have a couple people I knew who would understand why this was happening and wouldn't judge me. If nothing else, you can email me. You can also read this mom's experience of her son from China rejecting her, reading it when I was in India crying my eyes out made me feel just a little less alone.
4. Who wants ice cream?! Be the fun parent
Let's be honest, by nature Geoff is fun, whereas I like planning and order and rules, which just screams fun! With Vennela I had to set that aside, and be the one associated with all the best things. I became the keeper of all chocolate and lollipops, and was the only one to give them to her. This meant fighting my natural instincts about when you have candy. You want a lollipop five minutes before dinner? I'm your girl. Two lollipops? Sure! Also, let's draw all over ourselves with markers! You have years to instill good eating habits, some extra treats in those early days will not ruin their eating for life, but it will help start laying a foundation of security and trust that will last you a lifetime.
Also those silly games that little kids love, like where they put a toy behind their back and you pretend it disappeared and you have no idea where it went? And then they want to do that a hundred thousand more times in the exact same way? Do it. Do it over and over and over until you want to bang your head against a wall. The parent they are preferring has the luxury of saying they are tired of that game, and that's opportunity for you. As far as your child is concerned, you NEVER get tired of that game.
5. Attachment activities- for them and you: so much is written about an adopted child's attachment, we forget sometimes that attachment is a two-way street. A parent also has to attach to a child, and that doesn't always happen instantaneously for adoptive parents, especially when that child is shoving you away. Fortunately there are a lot of great resources out there to help with attachment, and one of the biggest tools in attachment is play. Silliness and laughter are disarming for a child, it helps them feel safe and see you as fun. It also helps us as parents to develop those warm and fuzzy feelings for our child. A couple of great books full of ideas are "I Love You Rituals" by Becky A. Bailey, PhD., and "Attaching Through Love, Hugs and Play" by Deborah Gray. Both have plenty of ideas you can use even with a pretty unwilling child participant, and as the child warms up you can start using the ones that require more and more interaction on their part.
6. Assign "jobs"- Geoff and I assigned some tasks to me, and only me, and told Vennela that only mama could do those things. For example, combing and styling her hair (in this case, Geoff legitimately does not know how to do this) so she had to rely on me, and as a bonus it's an activity that by nature includes lots of touching. Same goes for bath time, she for some reason allowed me to do it the first night, so after that we insisted only mama was able to do bath time, and then I made bath time the most fun time. You want to wash my hair? Ok!
We also included things that Geoff obviously could do, but for purposes of getting Vennela to turn to me for some things we had only me do them, like carrying her in our toddler carrier. When we were walking somewhere that was too far for her or too packed with people, we used a carrier, and insisted to her that mama was the only one able to use it. She doesn't know that's baloney, she's four! Again, it has the added benefit of lots of touch.
7. Lastly, take a break- Being rejected is hard. It is crushing. So when your heart is feeling overwhelmed, you have 100% permission to tag out. Go to the bathroom and cry, eat chocolate, go for a walk, whatever it is you need to do- but don't stay there. Let yourself grieve, and rest, and then go back to it.
Working through rejection was hard work. For much of the time we were in India, it felt like I was constantly working on it- making everything into a game, playing whatever silly thing she was into, always being upbeat, singing songs- it was exhausting. Would things have gotten better on their own with time? Maybe, but I think it would have taken a lot longer, and I doubt they'd have improved if I kept hiding in the kitchen looking at Facebook on my phone. The hard work pays off, and Vennela and I are in such a better place now. There are still times she only wants Geoff, or certain things only he can do, but there are many things that she only wants me to do! Two months after we came home, when I picked her up from school the first thing she said was "Mama! Drew something. Me. You!" Then gave me this painting. "You keep it mama! Present!"
This is the first thing she ever made for me. I cried like a crazy lady while all the other parents looked at me like "It's just another piece of art for the collection of 500 thousand pieces," but it wasn't. It may not be tomorrow, or next week, or even next month, but I promise you if you work at attachment with your child, it will get better.
So, knowing all this, that it's typical, that it's not personal, that it's not a reflection on me as a human and mother, I was totally prepared and when it happened to me, I handled really well and maturely.
Just kidding, I constantly shut myself in the bathroom to cry, scrolled away on my phone while my husband entertained her, and shoveled MnMs into my mouth by the handful. Rejecting a parent is so common amongst adopted kids, but there's still so much shame and guilt and embarrassment. In no time at all I could hear the little voice whispering "She can already tell you're a bad mom, that's why she doesn't want you." I had to remind myself constantly that wasn’t true, and that things weren’t going to get better if I was retreating further and further away from her. Geoff and I set to work on improving the bond between me and Vennela, and here are the things that helped me and Vennela (mostly me) work through this hurdle:
1. Be sad- I somehow had this idea that because I knew it was normal that I shouldn't be sad about it. That is just silly. Of course it's sad! Rejection never feels good, and after spending months or years building up to the time of getting this new little person, all the effort and running around to get paperwork done and pay fees and potentially travel across the ocean, to get to that point and have your child literally shove you away is crushing. Don't beat yourself up for feeling sad, that will only make you feel worse. Acknowledge that this feels awful, and then pull up your big girl pants and work on it.
2. Get some perspective- Rejecting a parent is so common amongst adopted kids, but there's still so much shame and guilt and embarrassment. In no time at all I could hear the little voice whispering "She can already tell you're a bad mom, that's why she doesn't want you." Repeat to yourself over and over and over, every day: this is not about you. This little person doesn't know what kind of person or parent you are, they just met you. It has nothing to do with how you are as a parent, and everything to do with their trauma and history. Write down all the broken connections your child has had- birth family, orphanage caregivers, foster parents, however many times they moved. From what we know Vennela moved six times before she came to us, and while in each of those places, caregivers may have left their job and new ones came- the number of transitions is staggering. Reread that list to remind yourself again: this is not about you.
3. Get some support- Before you travel, designate a few people who are adoption and trauma knowledgeable that you know you can share any sort of challenge with, including this. It was so painful that there were very few people I wanted to talk about it with, but I was so very thankful to have a couple people I knew who would understand why this was happening and wouldn't judge me. If nothing else, you can email me. You can also read this mom's experience of her son from China rejecting her, reading it when I was in India crying my eyes out made me feel just a little less alone.
4. Who wants ice cream?! Be the fun parent
Sharing a milkshake, because I am FUN
Let's be honest, by nature Geoff is fun, whereas I like planning and order and rules, which just screams fun! With Vennela I had to set that aside, and be the one associated with all the best things. I became the keeper of all chocolate and lollipops, and was the only one to give them to her. This meant fighting my natural instincts about when you have candy. You want a lollipop five minutes before dinner? I'm your girl. Two lollipops? Sure! Also, let's draw all over ourselves with markers! You have years to instill good eating habits, some extra treats in those early days will not ruin their eating for life, but it will help start laying a foundation of security and trust that will last you a lifetime.
Also those silly games that little kids love, like where they put a toy behind their back and you pretend it disappeared and you have no idea where it went? And then they want to do that a hundred thousand more times in the exact same way? Do it. Do it over and over and over until you want to bang your head against a wall. The parent they are preferring has the luxury of saying they are tired of that game, and that's opportunity for you. As far as your child is concerned, you NEVER get tired of that game.
5. Attachment activities- for them and you: so much is written about an adopted child's attachment, we forget sometimes that attachment is a two-way street. A parent also has to attach to a child, and that doesn't always happen instantaneously for adoptive parents, especially when that child is shoving you away. Fortunately there are a lot of great resources out there to help with attachment, and one of the biggest tools in attachment is play. Silliness and laughter are disarming for a child, it helps them feel safe and see you as fun. It also helps us as parents to develop those warm and fuzzy feelings for our child. A couple of great books full of ideas are "I Love You Rituals" by Becky A. Bailey, PhD., and "Attaching Through Love, Hugs and Play" by Deborah Gray. Both have plenty of ideas you can use even with a pretty unwilling child participant, and as the child warms up you can start using the ones that require more and more interaction on their part.
6. Assign "jobs"- Geoff and I assigned some tasks to me, and only me, and told Vennela that only mama could do those things. For example, combing and styling her hair (in this case, Geoff legitimately does not know how to do this) so she had to rely on me, and as a bonus it's an activity that by nature includes lots of touching. Same goes for bath time, she for some reason allowed me to do it the first night, so after that we insisted only mama was able to do bath time, and then I made bath time the most fun time. You want to wash my hair? Ok!
We also included things that Geoff obviously could do, but for purposes of getting Vennela to turn to me for some things we had only me do them, like carrying her in our toddler carrier. When we were walking somewhere that was too far for her or too packed with people, we used a carrier, and insisted to her that mama was the only one able to use it. She doesn't know that's baloney, she's four! Again, it has the added benefit of lots of touch.
7. Lastly, take a break- Being rejected is hard. It is crushing. So when your heart is feeling overwhelmed, you have 100% permission to tag out. Go to the bathroom and cry, eat chocolate, go for a walk, whatever it is you need to do- but don't stay there. Let yourself grieve, and rest, and then go back to it.
Working through rejection was hard work. For much of the time we were in India, it felt like I was constantly working on it- making everything into a game, playing whatever silly thing she was into, always being upbeat, singing songs- it was exhausting. Would things have gotten better on their own with time? Maybe, but I think it would have taken a lot longer, and I doubt they'd have improved if I kept hiding in the kitchen looking at Facebook on my phone. The hard work pays off, and Vennela and I are in such a better place now. There are still times she only wants Geoff, or certain things only he can do, but there are many things that she only wants me to do! Two months after we came home, when I picked her up from school the first thing she said was "Mama! Drew something. Me. You!" Then gave me this painting. "You keep it mama! Present!"
This is the first thing she ever made for me. I cried like a crazy lady while all the other parents looked at me like "It's just another piece of art for the collection of 500 thousand pieces," but it wasn't. It may not be tomorrow, or next week, or even next month, but I promise you if you work at attachment with your child, it will get better.
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