Why Won't You Sleep?! Adoption and Sleep Part 1: Falling Asleep

Sleep issues are so, so, so common in children who are adopted, in foster care, or have been through trauma. Trauma changes their brain chemistry; their brains are always in fight, flight or freeze mode and adrenaline is pumping, so it can be hard for them to wind down, fall asleep, stay asleep. Additionally, for the many children who have separation anxiety due to past losses of caregivers, this adds another layer of challenges. Problems with sleep are especially challenging for parents too, because when kids don't sleep well, you don't sleep well either. Vennela has had a variety of challenges with sleep, including naps, falling asleep, and staying asleep, and I'll go through the various methods and stages we have used and are still using to resolve them. However, two big points to remember are 1. Every kid is different, and what works for one won't necessarily work for another, and 2. It's not a linear path, it'll be full of steps forward and backward, but don't lose hope, progress is possible!

Falling Asleep

Once jet lag wore off, we tried to establish a more routine schedule than we'd had in India, and that meant putting Vennela to bed at an earlier hour. In India we had put her to bed pretty late, when she seemed tired, but the pediatrician told us that was too late, so we bumped it up. We soon discovered that she did not go to sleep quickly when put to bed at the "appropriate" time, and she had been falling asleep quickly in India because she was just exhausted. Again, this is common because kids are on hyper-alert, and their little bodies struggle to wind down. A lot of families try melatonin, for a short period or long term, but I'd heard some negatives about its affects on kids still-developing brains, so we haven't ever used it. Like all things, there are pros and cons, so talk to your pediatrician about it if you're considering it as an option. We established a routine for Vennela to help her wind down for bed, and it has evolved over time, but various pieces we have used include reading books, singing songs, saying prayers, guided meditation, many hugs and kisses, back rubs, snuggling, lotion and essential oils. Try a few that seem most likely to work with your child, and then make them a consistent routine so that it signals to them that it's bedtime.

The other thing we had to work through was being present with Vennela while she fell asleep. In India, we had laid down with her, in her preferred position of arm around your neck until she fell asleep and we could sneak away, or often we were just so exhausted too that we went to sleep at the same time. Back home, we wanted to, you know, have a few moments to ourselves, and our queen size bed was not big enough for all three of us to share, so we took a different approach. Fortunately she was very excited about her room and bed when she saw them, and was so exhausted she just passed out it in the first night. After that, we laid down with her in her bed until she fell asleep, as she was used to, then snuck out, and then slowly progressed- after a couple weeks we instead sat down right next to her bed while she fell asleep, then a few weeks later we moved away from the bed to the wall, then to the rocking chair. There wasn't a set time frame for how long we did each phase, every time we started a new phase she was always very anxious at first, so we would wait until she had been comfortable with it for a while before trying the next one. The plan after rocking chair was then to move to the door way, but at this point she understood that we were in her room until she fell asleep, and she had become so hyper vigilant that she was taking even longer to fall asleep, because she kept jerking back up to check if we were there. So instead we told her that we would be in her room for ten minutes, and then we would move to the kitchen table, where she could see us, but we were out of her room. As usual, she was very anxious about this at first, but once she understood that she could see us, and we didn't leave, she adjusted to the new routine. 

Being out of her room, in the light, where we could speak, was a huge relief, and we were so happy to be there that we remained in this stage for many months. However, it still routinely took Vennela an hour or more to fall asleep, so it was a long time to just sit at the kitchen table, and eventually we realized she was never going to tell us "Ok, you don't have to sit there anymore." We needed to progress it just like we had before, so we told her we would sit at the table for ten minutes, and then we'd move to the living room. This was the biggest jump for her, because she would no longer be able to see us. We told her we would check on her every ten minutes, and put a visual timer where she could see it, so she knew when we would be coming back. She, of course, was not on board with this plan at first, so we told her the first couple times we would check after just five minutes. There were still some tears, but after the first couple times of checking on her she realized it wasn't very long, and quickly calmed down. We have since increased the timer bit by bit (though she still thinks it's ten minutes) and it's now almost twenty minutes before we need check on her. 

One last note, on the method of "crying it out." While there are obviously people in favor of and against this for biological, typically developing kids, when it comes to kids who are adopted, it is pretty widely accepted that you don't have them "cry it out." I don't mean there are never tears, but you don't just leave them to scream themselves to sleep. Children coming from these backgrounds often haven't had caregivers who respond to them when they need something, and adoptive parents are working against that to try and create a strong, healthy attachment. That means showing a child that when they are scared, or need something, and cry, you will come. Is it harder and more exhausting in the short term? Absolutely, but the payoffs in the long run are completely worth it. 

Next, Part 2: Staying Asleep Through the Night!